I cant be afraid to be alone, to spend time with out anyone else, yeah I am considered a people person, I love to be surrounded by people but I also need to get use to the fact that people aren’t always going to be around me and I cant fall apart when I am alone from my own thoughts and fears. I have got to face them and at times it feels like I have brought a knife to a gun fight and I am completely under prepared and cant win, but the thing is that he isn’t a very good aim, and has limited bullets, a metaphor to say that, If I wait it out eventually I will win this fight, but I have to deal with things first, I have to learn to deal with the memories and even though I often live in a fantasy land, (not always a bad thing,it is important to have an imagination), that fantasy world is a way of dealing with reality the hypothetical situations I play in my head allows me to come to terms with what I have been through and deal with it, It no longer feels like the memories have control over me, I don’t feel sad to think about the past, because it feels like it happened to another person, I have changed so much and I am no longer the scared girl, who feared the world, I can deal with the memories without getting sad and depressed I can deal with being alone and don’t need to distract myself from the life I once had, I can now appreciate that life and go yeah those were some of the worst and best years of my life, and I will probably go through more darkness in the future but all the skills I have learnt can be applied to that as well so it won’t be so scary in the future. I have finally learnt to live with myself and not be so hard on myself and love myself, and one day somebody else will love me as well but for right now it doesn’t really matter, right now its all about me, I get to be selfish, because I have given up so many of my years for other, its about damn time I lived for me and what I want right now.
People always feel destined to have a relationship like nothing else matters and there life will start when they meet that person that makes their heart go while, but the truth a relationship is only ever going to work if you can appreciate the kind of person you are, if you are happy and love your self. How can someone else be expected to respect you if you cant respect yourself? How can someone be expected to find the incredible side of you, if you don’t see it? How can you make a life for yourself if you don’t see a future? Well I finally see a future, and it will be an incredible future because I can do what ever I want and no one can tell me how to live my life, because I want to be the best person I can be without fear for the unknown, not everything is going to be smooth sailing, i will have my ups and downs but I will always be able to keep going, there is nothing the world can throw at me that I cant handle nothing I will hide in shame from, my past is my past, I lived it, I felt it and kept going, everything that happens to a person just makes you who you are, just makes you more you, its not what happens to you its how you got through, its what you learnt from it its how you survived, and the person you are becoming, if you don’t like yourself change yourself, I found myself getting addicted to another person to the point of obsessive I would get jealous if they spent time with anyone else, when I shouldn't have cared, I shouldn't have worried, they have their own life and as long as they are happy it doesn’t matter that they let others help them, especially if they let you help them as well it should just matter that they have others their to support them, life stress but don’t let the stress of others or your surrounding conquer you, find a way to keep going, even if it means taking three steps back and looking for a while, let yourself live love and believe. Let yourself feel and eventually you will find you are looking back on an incredible life, there is no good and bad their is merely experience, merely feeling and merely a life, believe what you want and be the person you want to be, but don’t let the negativity in your life bring yourself or others down around you, don’t use it as an excuse of the behaviour, let it change the way you look at the world, don’t hate everyone and everything, see the world for what it really us an incredible place. No one makes you who you are, the only mistake you can make is letting the mistakes others have made ruin your own life, the only thing worse then going through some tough years is never letting yourself move on and sometimes it means being really harsh on yourself and saying grow up you Dick before you realise that you are the only one who gets to control for your life.
Not all these memories are cut and dry, you have to make one change to make another change to make a final change, and the hardest things to change in life are those that you have to persevere with, that you need to stick to, maybe because its you that feels like you’re falling apart you are allowed to feel down, lonely and sad, you are allowed to find comfort in others, but don’t rely on them to always be there, sometimes you need to comfort yourself and make yourself feel better by always looking at the positives, nothing in the world has a reason to bring you down, shit happens. An awful saying at something that just pisses you off, and maybe this its the best thing for you to be reading when you are down, but the truth, other people are selfish and don’t care about you and how things impact your life, you need to be the one that makes sure your okay, that makes sure you are loved and keeps you motivated not he right path, so that you can have as much freedom as possible, so that nobody gets to ruin your life, let yourself live don’t be stupid abbot be real about it. Unfortunately one of the things that is always hard to hear, is, things could always be worse, and they always can be worst, you past doesn’t define it, it is one of many things that makes you who you are because you are who ever you want to be, and it isn’t lying that makes you the kinda of person you are its you. Let yourself live feel and love, everything and everyone, forgive and forget. comfort yourself, don’t be a bad person be a loving person, because the world loves you the way you want to be, not the way you feel you are, let yourself change. the whole idea that you cant change is lie, you can always change you just need to be given the opportunity to succeed. you need to give yourself a break.
I am no expert I can only try to help others, from my own experiences, and even I have my down moments but the truth is nowadays the good days outweigh the bad days and the bad days aren’t as low as the once were, now the bad days a merely a reminder of the fight I have made the things yet to come, the past is a push for the right direction, a scream of the life everyone wants, is one where they are happy, don’t rely on others to make you happy, let them if they are around have fun be yourself, and continue to feel the dreams that everyone is feeling there is no point dreaming if you don’t want to see a bright future. Be who you want to be not who you feel you are. :)
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