Right here, Right now

A complete conviction, within the dire need to sustain myself from throwing all my metaphoric toys from my cot, means I am once again avoiding civilisation. I am confused, beyond anyone else's help for the answers to my own problems, or even the answer to if I have a problem at all. I seek inspiration in unanswered forgotten quotes, about forgiving ones self, and whether or not I even need to forgive myself at all.

How often I feel out of control, this not being a time where I feel I cant control anything, more a feeling that I can control everything, but don't really want to have control of my life. Sometimes, I read other peoples problems to make myself feel better about myself, although being the person that I am, I then wonder what my life would be like if that had happened to me, fantasying almost compulsively about a different world, one better, one not so good, sometimes, a world, much much worse and often more reflective of my feelings, almost as a way to explain them, because I tend to lose it with in myself. Can you feel something and not have a reason to do so?

Concerned though I may be about my irrational behaviour, I do have to ask myself, do I deliberately look for reasons to be sad and down? and if so, is that because I want attention, will I ever get these answers that keep me awake at night, and full my blog with sadness. Because sometimes, I feel like I get down and sad, and then I over think every single thing, I will sit there and go should I send this text should I not. Thinking well if you were okay, you wouldn't be overthinking it, but then Im like but if I was okay would I even be wanting to send this. Clearly I'm not okay, and clearly I am wanting to be okay too much.

So its time to make a change in my own life.
1. I need to get serious about nest year (will do a post about that)
2. Need to get focused on my studies.
3. Meditation, to calm me down, when I get down and think irrationally.
4. Sleeeep, I need more sleep, Or I need less sleep. because I have slept quite a bit, which is actually a sign of depression. (Will do a post about that as well)