Dear Romeo

Im in high school and I don't want to be one of those sappy girls who's entire blog revolves around a boy, but I really need to get it off my chest, his name is Chris and I meet him in one of my classes this year at school, and from the very first lesson, (you see id been at a girls only school and guys were pretty rare there). :) So I saw him and I was like yup id do him ;), I never imagined i'd get to know him or spend time with him, I kinda just day-dreamed about him, and was too shy to ever make conversation with him. I didn't know how old he was or really anything about him, but I was one of those naive girls who just wanted it so badly but never ever believed someone like him, (who is extremely attractive and fit) would go for a very depressed, over weight girl, who at the time had bad hair, bad teeth, and bad skin and was well very very over weight. So I just looked and listened and found out more and more about him from afar, and fantasised more and more, okay admittedly borderline obsessive, but I really liked him. By the end of the first term, i had talked to him all of about three seconds, once in a lesson he made jokes and I was so nervous to be sitting next to him I couldn't help but giggle :) his sense of humour was a lot like mine, and that never helped, he had talked to me a few times, once he asked for my ball and I had given it to him, although he could have asked for anything and I would have given it to him, and although creepy we had talked a little because I had signed up for a sport simply because he had, and we were the only two, but it kind of started things off for us, my cousin was incredibly helpful, she would make conversations and then we actually started talking during the second term of the year, actually talking I don't remember how it started, I had to stay late for basketball so I stalkingly hung out by his car at a far enough  distance away and he approached me and said he would stay and he watched me play, and it was really sweet and I guess then we actually talked and I told him a little about my past, and we had already friended on Facebook that week, because we had got talking during break after our class together and it was sweet becsaue I walked him to his next class and he was nervous and he completely ignored his friends and held the doors open for me, and so him agreeing to stay with me on Friday just made my heart skip a beat and we went to the library and studied, which was a mixture of awkward silences, bad jokes and weird laughing and then we went to a corridor with a heater and hung out and talked and he was really closed off and didn't want to talk a lot about him self, but it was pretty clear that he had a rough past and it made me feel better because I didn't feel like I had to be prefect of him. It was then that we started texting and I go ta little compulsive towards him, texting him constantly and we hung out after school a lot, and it was a short while after that, that he came to my house to help me study, I passed the test, he s smart, and my family meet him, and then one day my basketball game was cancelled and he came over and watched a movie with me, until really late, and we had fallen asleep, and it was really sweet, but at this point we were only friends and I was hoping so badly that he liked me, but didn't believe he did, but I wasn't like the person I was becoming because I was getting over the top obsessed with him, I would want to hang out everyday after school and I was always down and depressed and moaning to him, partly because I was down and partly because I didn't want him to leave me, shows what kind of place I was in at the time but, I was always texting him and freaking out if he didn't reply and not everything I was saying to him was honest, but I was trying to be the kind of person I thought he was likely to date, and then he one day he completely shut down, he started ignoring me and stopped replying my messages and wouldn't hang out at school he avoided me after school and I got angry and then he sent a text say I would understand eventually, it fucked my off, I actually said some really nasty things about him to other people a really low thing to do and something I feel terrible about and avoid doing now, because I have had to grow up a lot this year and I have matured to the point of I don't want to retaliate by being mean or making others hate people. Anyways I do understand now why he did it, and its not because I was creepy compulsively obsessed although that had a lot to do with it. I confronted him that same Friday before basketball and he said he had nothing to say and I got angry, and said I didn't want anything to do with him and said that he had made things worse for me, by ignoring me, and treating me like crap. and he said I needed to learn to take responsibility for my own actions and stop blaming others for my problems and I left and blocked him on Facebook and played basketball and cried and went home and cried lots and my family hated him for how he had treated me, they hate him because they had to help put me back together after what I had hoped would be a relationship fell apart, and I had got my hopes up and I had seen every little thing he did as a sign he like me, so part of the sadness was knowing I was wrong, it was finding out he didn't like me. I had given him the cold shoulder at school and completely ignored him and continued to be really mean about him to my friends. I felt broken and humiliated even though he never retaliated in the same way, I wouldn't talk to him, I never wanted to see him again, and even through all of this I still hoped he would turn around and say I don't want to be in love with you thats why I tried to push you away, like you see in movies, when the guy turns around a sweeps you off your feet and you live happily ever after but that didn't happen, he never said  that, because once again it was a stupid girl living in a complete fantasy where a guy who didn't want a relationship who wasn't ready of one would suddenly be ready. He put a lot of effort in to things with me after that, but my family kept hating him, they kept disliking him, even after I gave up on the idea of a relationship with him and was able to talk to him again, they hated him and I had said mean things about him to them as well, when I was angry and I never should have, but for my family they saw me after the fight thats all they saw, they never got the apology, they never got how hard he tried to make things right and there was nothing I could do after that to make it right, there was nothing I could do to make them see that he wasn't a bad guy, that he deserved a second chance they just thought I was stupidly following my heart, and I guess in someways they were right, eventually things got better, largely due to the sport we played together, I couldn't avoid him, he wouldn't let me avoid him and we started hanging out together, but I was still down, so so down and everything that came out of my mouth was depressing, and I was giving up and still putting way too much into the relationship because I still hoped that if he like me dating would make all of my worries go away, I was hopping he could take me away from the life I was living and fix everything, but he's smart and he saw this so even though he would hang out neither of us were completely conferrable, neither of us completely happy and it made things tense, although things were getting better and he invited me to his house one saturday and I went and I wanted to stay longer but things had finally go to much at home and I was kicked out, and I asked to stay with him and he said I could but that I needed to stop all this negativity and my behaviour and I need to stop talking about him and I tried to deny it because I felt guilty and he actually said lets move on from this, any normal would have retaliated and been mean, but not him, he wasn't, in the end I had a complete break down and moved in with my mother and took the last week of the term off school and part of me was hoping Chris would miss me and say something and I guess that is when I realised that I was losing it, and I completely lost my shit and said some really nasty things to him and made him out to be a huge asshole mean while I myself was contemplating suicide and had planned it in great detail and my family had noticed and I was crying and angry and losing it and had given up completely including on the will to live, part of me not even sure I could be bothered to commit suicide and while I was feeling all of this he replied to my message in a surprising way, he was never mean he just said I need to look at what Im doing and that mixed with everything else going on was too much and I suddenly I found myself in the shower, with a razor, so close, when I realised that there was no way this was how I was going to leave this, I don't exactly know what made me not do it but something just clicked and well I'm still here to tell the tale, I went back to school and actually talked to Chris, he went on a walk with me and I apologiesed, because for some reason he still hadn't given up on me, I don't know what that reason was but he's still here, and things have been really calm since the beginning of the term, since I realised, I have to do it myself, nothing revolves around a boy, no one can solve my problems but me, and thats what I did, he helped by giving me tools that only I could use, and I worked on myself, slowly and surely but he hasnt left, which is why this is about him, I found myself the most amazing person and he doesn't realise it, i do still like him much as I told him I didn't, we had one fight this term and it was after I met a guy named Matt and Chris got busy with school so I started spending a lot of time with Matt, and I went to hang out with Chris like we always do on fir day and he wouldn't talk to me all he said was 'you have been spending more time with him then me' and i was upset and wanted to say you got busy I was giving you space but I couldn't find the words so I went and hung out with Matt more and when I tried to get back into the class room he would open it, he wouldn't let me back in, and I broke down, I actually cried and it was matt that dealt with it, and then eventually I went back and he let me in to the class, and i got angry at him and he said, god I'm just busy and I didn't want to keep letting you back in the class room. and I didn't say anything I just did some homework, eventually he got up and said alright I'm going home, and I wanted to talk, I didn't want him to leave when things were so bad between us, when I was angry and he was angry and he said, 'betty if you have something to say, say it' and i said 'do you have something to say' I just wanted him to be honest with me, because thats the thing, although I like him a little, I had stopped envisioning us ever being together, I was finally in a place where I didn't need to be in a relationship and I could be myself with him, without ever worrying maybe this will make him not like me. But I love our friendship, I care about him a lot, and don't want to not talk to him and he is one of the few people I think I have mead friends with for life, because we actually get each other. and he talked and he said why do you hang out with me, I'm kind of a selfish person, and I said because you aren't always, and he said and is that all, and I said why don't you tell me Chris and he said why do you buy everyone lunch, and said because that nice, and he said really betty, and I said fine because I want people to be friends with me, and I get how stupid that is and I know people aren't going to stop because I have good friends, and things actually improved and I went to his house and on the way home and I said Chris you know I don't like you like that, and he said what and I said I don't have a crush on you, which was sort of a lie because I do I just no longer ever believe we will date or in anyway have a relationship with him, after that stuff has been pretty fun with, we have our moments where i wonder if he likesme, but its mostly fun. I am in a place where of the most part I don't give a fuck. :) and that is what makes me so happy about the kind of person I am becoming, I can be me. I guess what I'm saying, it took me a while to realise it does matter any more. All that matters is the future I am going to create for myself. :) But my future will have him it. :) Because I'm pretty sure he likes me and when we are both ready for a relationship, and aren't caught up in our lives we will date but it doesn't really matter when or even if it doesn't happen, because some people you meet, you keep for ever and he's one of them, he helped me get through the hardest part of my life, when I had so much going on, and both of us made mistakes but we both forgave each other, we both moved on. :) and there are few friendships that would survive that. :)