Oh i am losing my shit, like literally losing it, and I don't know why, out of the blue I find myself angry and frustrated with people, so so so angry, and I am losing it with Chris which means I need to have a break from that boy so badly. So I need to stop myself from talking to him, I will no longer have access to my phone for the foreseeable future.
SO I made josh think I was committing suicide because of him and in all honesty, because honesty should deb something I am proud to have, I was doing it deliberalty because at the time, although now I see how very very wrong that was, I thought that was my only option. and that wasnt right but I have got change something. The point was to se if he cares, which he does, but I need to care about myself. I have got to grow up. I keep going around and around in this cycle and a large part is due to my constant contact with Chris, I get into this pattern where I begin to rely on Chris and feel that I need to have him in my life in order to keep going but I need to find a way to keep going. I have officially cut Chris out of my life, for now. Right now, I dont know if things will get better between us or if this is the end but I dont think so, I think this is the start for me. That is part of being depressed I guess, which is by no means an excuse you have to own one hundred percent of your actions, but of rme it felt like the only option, I honestly believed I was making the right decision, I honestly saw no answer, and while I was seriously considering suicide, it was deffinietly an attention seeking move, even if at the time I didn't know it too be, even if at the time, I was losing it, and thought that would be the last thing I would do. No in truth I was not okay. in truth I was seriously down. But I dint deal with if correctly at all.
I keep imagining hoping I will see Chris and make everything okay but in truth, much like me own wounds, time will show the true meaning of healing and maybe once you have managed to be okay things with him will be okay too, but the two go hand in hand and you can't do any of this for him, otherwise you are doing superficial healing, you have to want to do this for yourself, you siblings and you family.
I mean honestly why would I want to sit there and think about me committing suicide and him blaming himself, why the hell would I wan that and more importantly why would I want to imagine that, sometimes the reality is something in my mind is not okay, because to have thoughts like that are not okay and they need to be dealt with so they can be shut down, why am I imagining a world worse then my own, why do I feel this need to imagine scenarios that could happen where I or others around me would be sad. SO I googled that, and got a lot of hits about depression, I think we can safely say Im depressed, now for moving on. Is it possible to look at the signs of being depressed and make them things you do, I guess only I can tell and only I need to know. lets look.
1. most of things people try to say to help you, don't help you: Honestly thats not the case for me, I take everything people say on board and try to let it sink in, often I am thinking about it long after they have left.
2. It physically hurts. Im really not sure. Honestly I don't think so, although sometimes, I guess its possible.
3. Asking for help is counterintuitive. Actually there is nothing I want more then to ask for help, I really don't want to be depressed and I think I am in the early stages of depression, its not a completely overwhelming thing for me, it comes and goes, and usually that seems to be due to the fake land making me really down, but then again the fake world is a response to the unhappiness the depression, so who knows which way around it is.
4. your relationship with food changes. Yeah okay, maybe but this has always been a problem, I guess so though I don't really feel the urge to eat, I often do it to pass the time an very really taste it now.
5. some friends might ditch you. Or you will be too much to handle and they will have their own problems, see this is what I am saying, it largely comes and goes, and things have changed now that I have got our in front of it, what is important for me is the follow through, I need to continue to do this.
6. You feel like you are losing your mind, if past blog posts are anything to go by, fuck yeah, I feel like I am losing my mind.
7. Everyone will start to annoy you. Yeah unfortunately true, sometimes I even make up things people have done in order to justify the weird feelings I am having against people.
8. Everyday tasks seem like too much. Depends, this comes and goes, sometimes I just lie in bed and I haven't been able to get my ass out of bed to run in a while.
9. It is nearly impossible to tell when its your depression talking. Now that is what I am working on, I will shut down the depressing talk, I am just now sure if I should reason with it.
10. depression will reak havoc on your sleeping schedule. Nah don't think so. :) sometimes, but mostly no. I sleep really well. When the depressing shit stops.
11.depression can also mean not feeling anything at all. I am genuinely not sure, but I am going to keep an eye out.
12. Its incredibly boring. Oh yeah it is.
13. you'll feel guilty, that depends, did I accuse a close personal friend of making me want to commit suicide, huh I did, yeah I feel guilty, while I don't mean it right now, I most certainly did at the time, and that means I have something to feel guilty about, I get that maybe I shouldn't hold it against me, but its hard, still my actions even if the depression was talking, still something I cant let happen again.
14.People will tell you things that make you feel judged. Hasn't happened yet, but I get that I should take it to heart, but at the moment oh I so will.
15. Your dreams get weird, Oh no my dreams get weird and my fake world has got weird, while it use to be a place to escape to that made me feel better now, its where I go to make me feel super super pissed about the world I have now and to make it worse, its always negative depressing shit.
16. Mirrors becoming your worst enemy. In all honestness I am losing weight, and so I am actually able to look in the mirror and not hate myself now, so maybe an improvement.
17. Depression flaws you logic. All I'm gonna say is yeah it does, and its hard deciphering what to do with that in the way.
18, You will agree with people that you are a terrible person. Okay I didn't so much are as just state and walk away, I have never really loved myself, and now that is something I have to do.
19. You won't be able to think clearly about your future. No need to explain how much I am feeling this, it is all over my blog. Actually that is a good thing. :) makes me realise how true this is.
20. Depression will make you feel that you are alone, you are not alone. Well I can safely say with all the energy I have left since it is late and I was up early (and yes probably over tired, I have started sleeping a lot more then before.) yeah, I have been feeling alone, but I am so not alone. ,
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