Am I the one with emotional issues or is he, or do we both... How has my blog become me moaning about my life and how is it I spend a lot of time checking my phone for texts. I need to get inspired and I need to get motivated because this sucks. Okay I texted him, the truth is, he either replies immediately after a few hours like two or three. or not at all. :( What am I doing with myself, because this is stupid right here right now, I'm freaking out. Okay i am going to try and work out where these emotions come from, obviuosly my complete desire to want to make out with him and me wanting him to like me, how do I stop this, good questions, when someone makes you this upset you have two options, to cut of communication with them, to say something or to suck it up and I have always been strongly on the suck it up stage but I am not I have got to say something, but all the other times I have planned to say something it has gone horribly and completely wrong and I have been in the wrong. This time, I don't know that it is any differently, but I could always plan what I would say, so what are the important thins to get of my chest. That its unfair, and I know its not his fault, and I get that he gets busy and he doesn't have that much time for me but he has to understand that from my perspective it just looks like he doesn't care and Im not saying he doesn't I am just saying sometimes you have to fight of those you care about and say the things you don't want to say like I want you in my life, but I can see him saying that its not his job to make me feel better or keep my happy and that I should rely on him of happiness. but I don't think its fair that I get ignored, I don't think its very fair in a lot of ways. I am not happy with this is and the problem is that I am reasonably happy most of the time except when I think about him, or look at my phone, I was actually sad he texted me and sad he didn't and OMG i know I need to cut contact with him and move on, but I cant I see him every day so maybe for the rest of the holidays I should but who am I kidding because I'm a bout to check my phone to see if he has replied and if he has I will text him, so the real question id what the fuck... What do I do, do I just wait out the rest of the year and then leave, why am I having so many panic attacks all of the time. That isn't fair on me, and even though I am typing this I am still thinking about checking my phone, now I feel that I should throw it across the room. I have to express this, I cant express this, I am on my period and that makes me moody and makes me jump to decisions and I know everyone sees feels the same way I do and that the second he texts me all of these fears go away even though it went last, Okay check your phone, see that there is no message from him. meditate to calm yourself down and go to sleep because girl he aint worth your time, maybe you should write a piese in getting over a boy and moving on.
the truth and the problem of the matter is, you see sleeping as speeding up time, so that maybe he would reply to your text, this is literally addictive and you literally have a problem and I know admitting is the first step but what is the second step, What is going to make these feelings go away oh, thats right him going away and the feeling go away too. Meditate girl you are going insane.
So I haven't hear from him, at all... and I sent him a text asking if he was okay because he has been insanely quiet and it is probably me, its me because I know he is awake so why aint he replying. :(
The truth is that, I have completely thrown all of my toys out of my cot, he has completely started ignoring me, I don't know why suddenly this has such a large impact on my life, when usually it wouldn't but today it makes me feel like doing some really really really bad stuff. Why is this such a huge deal, why is this a deal breaker and why is this tearing me apart limb by limb, i am suppose to be strong enough to fight this. I know how to make it end, the truth being, drugs or suicide, because I feel so lost and I am drowning so much, nothing can help me right now, nothing can help at all. I may have just implied I was going to commit suicide, thats so not what I am going to do. I would never do that, I feel a sudden calmness. A really really large calmness, like that calm before the storm of the eye of a hurricane and it feels good to admit the things I am feeling, I know that technically all my worries aren't that bad but there is an overwhelming depression over me feels like every single little thing is a huge deal, whether this due to my period or just the feelings I have, the truth is that it doesn't matter. I know ow to end, the conotations involved with that are huge. Time and time again, the truth is that I just like word use and word play and words. They are a lot of fun.
At first it all seems happy and then by the end, well happiness is not the word.
Well well according to my mother I have clearly been depressed for a while, It makes me feel angry that she didn't tell me, but others had, and, and this is the important part, would I have even listened to my mother if she had said it. I mean honestly would I? No I needed to come to this realisation on my own, my entire world has changed and I am unsure of myself, and of course it is going tomato me depressed. My depressed thoughts keep trying to escape back in to my fake world and part of me is like, nah lets see where this goes, even though it is making me sad, its okay I have found a way to stop this, not sure how healthy it is though ;P but well I need to give things a try
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