No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I have to stop wallowing in my mistakes and begin trying to become the me I want to be, where I love myself, and am happy with myself so that I can move on and make a future for myself. Right now I am not happy with me, and I have to deal with the things I said and I have to deal with my obsession. Both need to be sorted out. I need to work on me, for now. We will see how things go but I have to stop with all this wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I have to get over it and work towards a better future. I have to get out of my stupid head and stop Going over and over all the things I could say to make things better, they will wither be fixed or they won't. We will see. Do it at the time.
So I searched am I okay on google and found a checklist.

• Although I never used to, now I find that I jump to conclusions more often than I used to.
    
• These days I believe that others are causing all the bad things in my life. Sometimes I feel they are doing it on purpose.
    
• I sometimes get thoughts racing through my mind and I can’t stop them.
    
• I’m daydreaming a lot more than I used to.
    
• Sometimes my thoughts get sort of stuck and I just can’t go further

• I’m finding it more and more difficult to plan things and work out what may happen in certain situations.
    
• My memory never used to be the way it is now – I often can’t remember things.

• For some time now I have been feeling more and more negative about myself.
    
• I have mood-swings and very strong emotions lately. Sometimes I even experience the opposite emotions at the same time.
    
• I am very sensitive lately and easily get upset - I may cry at the smallest misfortune and can brood for a long time after getting news that actually has no personal meaning to me. I may easily feel vulnerable with people - I would take every word to heart.
    
• Over the past few months I have been feeling extremely good/bad about myself without any reason.
    
• Ever so often I get a strong feeling that I am in the grip of forces beyond my control.
   

All of this suggest depression. So that suggests I am depressed and that means I have to do something and admit it, because I have all of those written above, now that I know that it should be suggested that I do stuff about it. In the beginning I am going to start off by, having a routine, set goals, exercise, eating healthy, sleeping, take responsibilities (I.e do more with your days, don't sit around moping), Challenge these negative thoughts, (use logic as a natural remedy.), do something new (could be fun), try to have fun. 

The truth is that, I just jumped to conclusions and got angry at the person closest to me, Yeah I said some really bad things, hell I feel really really guilty, and really want to apologise, but am I doing that for me, or for them, is that really going to help them, or is it going to be better to just give it time, and apologise later, when I know I mean it, when I know that I am not going to do it again. 

How do I deal with all of this, I imagine going to counselling would have benefitted me quite a bit, but since I couldn't be bothered getting up this morning and more importantly talked myself out of it. what do I do? Sometimes I feel like I have to voices in my head and one is trying to sabotage me, and this something I have to deal with, because I have to know that I am okay. I want to go and study and something is holding me back, what is holding me back? Im not perfect. hehe, okay Im really not perfect and I never will be but, I will work on making myself a better person. First thing first though I need to get rid of the second voice in my head. :) And to do that I need to shut down the second voice entirely the negative voice that constantly brings me down, that negative voice that hypothesis situations and leaves me feeling like my real world doesn't match up to the fake one I created. A huge problem when I need to learn to love myself, and all I want to do is live in a fake reality. 

The world I make the reality I make is the one I have to live with, for me that means no longer feeling the pull to escape because I am happy with my world just the way it is, and for that I was wrong, there is no alta ego  there is just someone  unhappy with her life, and a depression trying to seek through, and part of that depression is caused by an unhappiness and a let down of the world I have created for myself, and the person I wish to become.