This is what I should have said to Chris when I had the chance, it is unfortunately not what I said, instead I sucked it up and talked to him normally because it was his birthday, which he didn't even say thanks for his present although I assumed he liked them. I also use to think he like me, so this is what happened, I cam e to the realisation that I cant deal with the fact that my dads in jail, its just to hard for me to comprehend so I have decided that I will instead believe he's dead, and this is necessarily a lie, he could be dead for all I know, plus I will never ever got to see him again. So this is what I have decided, and I am finally able to deal with my emotions and in time move on. But the thing is that you cant explain to people that you need to believe this so I did lie to them, I told them that he was dead in written fact, and lots of people have been there for me, and considering it is genuinely what I believe I don't feel bad, its what is true to me, its what I need to do in order to move on. My female friends have been really supportive, but Chris oh no Chris has been an asshole through and through, I put up with a lot of shit from him like the way he talks down to me, and acts like I'm being dumb when I ask hi a question, he tends to get really arrogant about it like I shouldn't be upset at all, but I am. I never told him he makes me feel this way because I know how he is going to react, and I don't want to deal with that. So I held it in, he makes me feel bad about myself, he cant just give me a hug that my dad has died, no I get to have him treat me like, and I have over thought this and come to the realisation that its because he doesn't believe me, and that the reason he hasn't been supportive is because this is all he gets from me, just emotional crap all the time, but I have also realised that he just doesn't care about me at all in any way. He just doesn't care. He never has, he has been using me for ages and eh cant just admit that he cares, he cant say it, he knew I like him and strung me along anyway because he likes the attention, he like the fact that some girls swoon over him and that isn't cool, but its also normal, he should have said, I don't like you romantically, but all he ever said is I'm not interested in a relationship. So on Monday him and Liam walked to where my dad was meeting me after school at countdown and we drove home, it was a nice walk, Chris was in a really weird mood and when I tried to check up on him later, and I said he should just write down his thoughts not run from them he responded with do I need to block you, which I responded with yes and then he said, done. He never blocked me, I deactivated my Facebook account and he texted me later to say sup. I don't understand him, I don't get it, I just wanted to be there for him and I guess he didn't want that. Then on Tuesday I was suppose to hang out with some friends and he convinced me to hang out with him and I left with him and we walked back to his place and I was in bad shoes so I had blisters on my feet and all my muscles hurt, so when he suggested that we go to the park I really didn't want to but he told me that exercise would help and so we went and he made some snarky comments along the way and then eventually we got there, and I could shoot hoops for long as my feet were too sore, and so I sat down and basically just watched but I wasn't in the mood for him, so I was pretty honest and didn't beat around the bush with my opinions. But in the end I missed my bus by thirty seconds and I texted him he didn't reply for two hours, because you know when you have just found out that your friends dad past away you don't need to be around your phone to make sure she is okay or anything, it just pissed me off because my day just kept getting worse. Eventually he responds and by then I just don't give a flying monkey and I continued to have my bad day with out talking to him. But I set an alarm woke up at midnight and sent him a happy birthday, and he didn't even respond. I sent him more texts which he also didn't reply to and then eventually he got to school and I gave him his present which he laughed at, to be fair it was funny and I didn't want to spend time with him, so when lunch came around I just got up and walked out and went to class, and a little while later he came, and looked like he was putting in effort to talk to me, so the message must have been pretty clear, and then it came out that it was his birthday and he was 26 and the whole class is like, I knew it, because he hadn't been telling anyone. So after school he asked to go back to his place and I really didn't want to with my feet but it was his birthday so I started walking there, and he walked off, so I walked to his place through the ball over the fence and left, didn't give a shit, at all anymore, but I was upset and I talked to Matt and he invited me over, which my mother wasn't happy about she believed I should have been confiding in her but she can sometimes piss me off, she has the real thing about belittling shit when it hasn't happened to her, or if she isn't going through it right at the present moment, so I didn't want that and I went to Matts house and his girlfriend showed up unexpectedly and he didn't seem too happy about that but I like her, and she is pretty cool and we all laughed and joked and there were a lot of not jokes about having a threesome, I thought they were jokes, yeah they so weren't. SO I felt awkward and turned them down and then later she left and we played monopoly and I sucked hard and we got fish and chips for dinner and then we went to bed...
ADN he goes okay lets play truth or dare. he said what happens in truth or dare stays in truth or dare... SO I probably cant say... but I am kind of freaking out... Like really freaking out... Super freaking out... WTF... Im gonna be honest he touched me maybe where he probably shouldn't have, and then I gave him a blow job... SO I let it out and I am freaking out, because I have to go back to his house on friday. and there are more jokes about a threesim... Im not okay.
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