Don't hold what you can't carry.

Truthfully you have to look at the good and bad of a person.

Good,
He actually cares about me
He has a great sense of humour.
He can be really sweet
HE helped me with my studies
He gave me advice with my problems
He really does care, is the only thing you can think of that makes up of rate shit he puts you through. And the truth there, is that its so not worth it. You have said your goodbyes. And you get to have a few days with out him, with out thinking about him, where you make your own future.

Bad,
He doesn't reply to my messages
He can be really mean
He can ignore me for days
He won't admit maybe he wasn't in the right
He makes me feel bad about myself,
He makes me insecure
He makes me depressed always going around and around the same circles.
He is a loner
He is self centred.

That being said, if I have found anything in my new found belief it's that these things shouldn't be held against him, maybe in a different life, one where I was okay with who I am and feel secure as a person this would have worked, maybe in a world where I loved myself, and didn't actually need him this would have worked. This is a world I will create for myself, on my own.
I lost it. again. And I said some nasty things, and part of me still hopes he can forgive me and we will be friends again, but friends is all we will every be, and until I'm okay with myself, I can't hope for a future where he can be there. Until I can do things on my own, I can not be expected to have others deal with me. I have deserve forgiveness for the sins I have committed because I see the wrongness in my actions, I need to allow myself the time to heal and I need to fall in love with myself trust myself and have respect in my self before I should ever expect that from others.
I have to let go off the past me and continue towards the future me, for the only way for me to move on is to forgive myself for mistakes once made. So that I can love myself, for the good and the bad. This time it is important to look at me, the good the bad and the truth. Why is it that even though I was going through something, they turned it into all about them. I want to go back and never send that message, never say the things I said but I cant and at the time, I felt I had no other options. But I only want to do that because I idolise them, because I want them in my life so bad, which actually means I have to do the complete opposite, they cant be in my life. and until I am comfortable with them not being in my life, I cant afford to have them in my life. But the truth is, I said some nasty things to them and that had to be really hard, and they must be better off with out me.