Yesterday I gave up on someone I didn't think I would ever give up on. He didn't get that I wanted to be his friend, I didn't have to be, I wasn't nice about it but I was tired after he kept me up till 3 doing his usual shit. I couldn't take it anymore, and I couldn't be apart of that anymore, so I walked, ill miss him heaps, but its what is best for me. In truth he doesn't seem to believe it was anything he did, seems to think I should have just put up with it, why I don't know. Wasn't nice, didn't show respect, lived his own world, he didn't care, all he did was pull a big bunch of shit out of his ass to try and hurt me, most of it didn't even make sense, but that all made it easier to stay the hell away from that.
He stopped reminding me why I was his friend, more bad then good. I will always be sorry that I couldn't do it but I have to look out for myself and I cant go back, not with out a change or the cycle will just continue, something has to budge, but nothing ever will and I feel guilty that I am glad I wont have to deal with it anymore. I feel relieved I wont have to hear his stupid shit because he was wrong a lot of the time he opened his mouth, his ego just makes him believe he's gods gift to the world that he can pass on what he learned from his mistakes even though a lot of what he learnt was stupid and not something I ever want to learn. I think there is hope for him, just needs a push in the right direction and that push wont come from me.
To be fair, he changed, in the beginning he had this spark, motivation, determination, energy, wisdom, he was together, and nice, he genuinely wanted to help those around him to pass on what he had learnt, don't get me wrong a large number of our problems now were still there, but they were under a river of who he was, that wasn't all there was, and then as the year went on and the depression started to take over he changed and not for the better, he became moody, mean, arrogant, he lost his motivation, he lost himself, suddenly everything became about him and the traits that were annoying but in the back ground were all there was to him and he no longer helped people to pass on what he learnt but to make himself above them, better then others. Like all his self worth was linked to him being better then everyone else. He wasn't sweet or caring, all he did was for himself, he started being cruel, doing and saying things that hurt others but not giving a flying saucer about them at all. he lost his light, his energy, more importantly he lost the good. For me it has been hard watching this, as he got down he became more negative, more mean and less fun, but started believing everything was everyone else fault, justifying and believing his own actions, completely blind to the path he has taken. Suddenly I was holding on to everything he was, blocking out what he was becoming. I realised after a long break away from him that every time I looked at him I felt sad, watching him fall back down the same hole he had spent so long climbing out off, failing to help him. I understood that he couldn't help how he treated me, even if it did hurt, he didn't know, blinded by himself. It started chipping away at me. It was hard because I wanted to be there for him, but I cant help him, and I cant watch him go down the road he is going down. So I said what I needed to say to make sure he didn't ever want to talk to me again, and even when he sorts himself out I cant be a part of that for walking away and do hope his pride stops him from ever talking to me again. Not because I want to punish myself but because I am worth more then that. I couldn't help him, but I refuse to watch. I meant it though, he will find someone who can stay through all of that, he will find someone who can help him, it just isn't me. So I left and I will stay away, for the good of us both.
I use tho think it was me that brought him down, but I finally understand that it was with in himself. I cant blame myself. I have to move on.
He needs to realise that he didn't learn anything from his experiences, he just lies to himself.
He isn't in the right frame of mind to understand that though, right now he still feels like he is right and he knows everything. Ignorant is what he is. Things will change for him though, things change everyday and one day he will meet someone and finally see the person he has become.
And that will be the beginning of his life. :) That will be when he gets to free himself from the jail he has put himself in. In truth though I don't understand him. I just think he is lost, searching for something, some people spend their entire lives searching for something to make them happy, and most never find it.
I by no means believe I am perfect or lived my life perfectly, but I honestly don't believe myself to be in denial or hiding anything from myself, the world is mine and I'm prepared to take it. I am happy at the moment and I get caught up in the things he said wondering if they are true, but I finally get that he always lashes out at me and says nasty things when he is in the wrong but doesn't want to admit it. he'll spend a small period of his life hating me, believing I did it all for attention and will come groveling back, not understanding that I gave up and you cant un-give up.
But I am finished I don't want to keep talking about this, I don't want to let this play on my mind and effect my life anymore, and so I am just moving on and being free. It is a new year and I want this to be the best year I can make it, so I need to remove unnecessary stress because the good did not out way the bad.
New year, new start.
That is why, this is the end for us.
He blocked me. I know its unusual to be happy about someone blocking you on social media, more concerning when you haven't talked to them in forever but anyway it happened. That means I can relax, Im not saying I've been tense about it, but I have been, I have spent the last few weeks worrying that this will be a cycle and I think finally the message is across. Finally I can move on because it has been weighing on my mind and it has been stressing me out.
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