The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled

Okay, here is the thing, I got a text from Chris yesterday and it really confused me, he appears to be pushing everything under the rug and moving on, but I don't do that, I'm all about talking about the giant elephant in the room, to cut the tension out, I want to just cut right to it, because you know its going to be discussed. I don't know what I am doing I'm over thinking every thing. I don't understand he said I was attention seeking and that he was going to stop talking to me so I could work things out and he hasn't actually done that unlike last time where I didn't lose it at him and he stopped talking to me, and I did lose it at him in the end, He went serious and told me this whole thing about how i am depending on him and then this time I lose it at him, essentially accusing him of being the reason I was suicidal, FYI not the case but anyway completely admit I got dependent on him and he still talks to me, Im gonna be honest I don't get, and I was to spend three hours writing my blog, coming up with all the reasons this could happen, but I am beginning to understand why that is such a temperamental and dumb thing to do, it doesn't help me. Of course I am at the library because I am meeting up with Henrietta who isn't showing up till way later, and he is coming and I don't know what I'm doing. This has definitely set me back, but apparently depression can make you want to isolate yourself from the people that care, so of course, that only makes me want to hang out with the people I care about, partly due to stubbornness, I refuse to let depression win, and also because I do really want to get better. I am only a few days into my no subconscious routine and it is hard... I mean every chance my mind gets it wanders, and now that I am noticing it, which I know is a huge improvement, because it means I can pull it back on track and eventually it will learn, the whole point of this but I really wish it wouldn't, and everything today has made it so much harder for my mind not to  not wander, especially towards Chris, but I know it is a test (within myself to continue to fight my own demons, which is my subconscious mind as it continuously thinks about the depressing made up crap that should even be affecting my mind, and I know it is only doing that because I am down and it i trying to deal with my emotions, which I am happy to do provided it does it a different way, like in a  counselling session, but I feel so tired from this fight, but its does make me happy because eventually with enough perseverance and work it will stop this annoying and depressing cycle, I just have to keep going, because I don't actually want to sit there a daydream when I could be living my life, the daydream has prevented me from living my life, it use to provide me a safe haven now it doesn't it stops me from getting to enjoy what life throws at me because I am constantly psychoanalysing everything. I would enjoy a moment because I had already imagined it going down and it didn't feel as special, so really my own imaginary world was taking pertinence over my own world, I stopped feeling I started imagining what I would be feeling I stopped having conversations instead I would imagine conversations all of the possible ones I could have, and most importantly I stopped being able to concentrate on anything because I kept trying to escape into my fantasy land, instead of living I thought about living, screwing up all of my relationships, and changing the way I talked to people, I stopped being me, stopped have intuition, I could deal with a conversation if I hadn't thought of every possible outcome, and I know its logical for some situations, but certainly not this, and it made me scared of the unknown, often I would scare myself, by have depressing and awful thoughts about things that could happen, freaking myself out and causing me to avoid the situations and when I couldn't avoid it anymore, it wasn't what I imagined it to be at all, it caused me unnecessary stress, it isn't good, or helpful and it changed the way I am as a person, it made me less empathetic, made me less me, and actually caused a lot of issues because I go too caught up in making sure I seemed empathetic because I wasn't acting naturally empathetic, I got selfish and I stopped thinking about my future, because as far as I was concerned I had my future all ready waiting to go in fantasy land, I was literally going crazy, and literally getting depressed over things I had made up. I was always tense tired and zoned out and even though it has been a couple of days, I am finally able to see this and never want to go back, won't go back, I will keep trying, because one small step forward is still in the right direction. This is about me making a change that will shape my future for ever, I don't want to live in my head I want to live in the real world, I want to experience the world and I want enjoy things I didn't get to enjoy before. I accept myself for being this person before as I understood before it became too much, it helped me deal with my life, I love myself, especially for making this change, and I forgive myself for not knowing what this was doing to me until I saw what my life was like with out it.