So how did today go? Hmmmm... Im not sure and because I haven't been allowed to analyse the situation at all I haven't had chance to work things out. Maybe that is of the best and I should move on with my life. Today has happened end of story. But I should still tell you what happened, not a lot did.
So I knocked up the courage, which shouldn't have been such big deal, but at that point I wasn't sure where we stood. So giving the circumstances I feel that I was better off being careful. So after, not as much thought as usual I just sent it "What time ya coming?" Yeah I thought about the wording a little, but I don't want to neglect anything and screw anything up, which is a large part of the problem, sometimes mistakes get made, but the true people understand you made a mistake and love you anyway, they give you the benefit of the doubt, knowing you never meant to hurt them, and that is something I have found in him, because even after what I said he hasn't held that against me and that is true friendship, something I have had but never appreciated. The truth of the matter is I need to get down and serious about my past, and about the kind of person I am so that I can find happiness with in myself. Oh I have got off topic. :P Today he said he would come 12-12.30 and then everyone else bailed, and he didn't show up till 1.30. and Thought he wasn't going to come and had accepted that and so you can imagine my surprise when he showed up, because even though I had speculated I refused to hole anything down and infant refused to think about it altogether, it left me surprisingly calm, and made me happy not relieved that the made up shit wasn't true. :) It was different I lived in that moment instead of stressing myself out about why he was late, I let things be, I left things alone and it meant I wasn't overthinking everything and getting myself worked up. So he arrived and I was mostly relaxed, nervous but relaxed, because I didn't know what he was thinking and I hadn't overthought everything so I didn't have a hand book full of things he might say, that he wasn't ever going to say, but were in the back of my mind and stressing me out and it made me nervous, not have a useful handbook, I hoped would come in handy, I only had me. The truth was though I didn't want to screw things up and sometimes things need to be screwed up, but this isn't one of them, we studied hung out, he let me listen to his new piece, which was like his last piece absolutely incredible, the start of this piece was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard and while I did tell him it was amazing I maybe down played quite how much I loved it. Not because I didn't want him to know, not because of some end game but because I didn't think to say it, because I don't feel the need to think through everything I say with him anymore, and I didn't always have something to say because I hadn't planned anything, I came with myself, and not a handbook of cute fun sexy things I could say, (or in my case, creepy, fun, loud, obnoxious and sexual) things to say, because Im not cute and sexy, which is absolutely fine by me. Im just a girl, finally living in the world, trying to become myself. Now after a great day where I didn't fuck up and completely over think everything and escape into my reality world, where I didn't cause myself unnecessary stress I was able to live today in the moment. I left actually not feeling overwhelmed, not hating myself of rate things I didn't say, or could have said, or could still say. I felt okay. Im learning to be me, and I'm not the person I want to be yet, I am merely becoming the person I will be in the future, and ever step is a good step, so long as I continue to be myself.
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