I know by now I should have a plan about my future, where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, and the kind of person I want to be. The question where do you see yourself in five years is one that hits me right in the gut, because I don't know, I don't see myself in five years, how can I begin to imagine what my world will look like in the future when I was wrong about what my future would be like now six months ago, I am nothing if not unpredictable. I don't follow a straight path, I just let life take me where its going to go.
I don't want to grow up, but I also want to live life as much as possible and I know that I am young and growing up is going to happen and I understand that screaming and fighting responsibilities is not going to go in my favour and infant thats not even what i mean when I say the words ;I don't want to grow up', I actually welcome the responsibilities that come with maturity and living out on my own, and yes paying rent and food utilities, taxes, I get that the responsibilities that come with being an adult are never easy, but like everything the the good outweighs the bad. What I mean by all this is, if I could jump from right now to being an adult, with a job and a house and family then I wouldn't mind, I know I would miss a huge exciting chunk of my life and that much like lord of the rings, our lives are about the journey not the destination because well, we are all going to the same place in the end, but I am not good at decision making, something I have been told time and time again comes with maturity and only through making the bad decisions to we truly learn to respect the successful that we learn to make good decisions, so why at such a young age do we have to come up with the most difficult decisions that effects our entire lives, for instance and the whole reason for this post is university or not to university. Both of which intale a whole series of more decision makings, but I'm pretty sure I'm going with the former.
This feeling is known as ambivalence, I am having simultaneous feelings about whether my destiny (for next year) is to stay here, or to go to university, and I guess part of me doesn't want to make that decision until I have a sign that I am making the right decision, Waiting for a clear indication that staying for a boy is the right move, that staying for a boy is actually going to keep us together, while I feel that either decision will result in us breaking up (shouldn't that be more reason to go, if I don't feel confident in the relationship if I stay and feel both paths will lead to the same conclusion, isn't that proof enough to leave.
To university,
Now the hard part, which one? what am I going to study? how am I going to pay for? and every other decision that needs to be made from now till then.
So I still don't know what I actually want to do with my life, you see, I attend a community college and it is entirely possible for me to stay another year while I save for university and work things out, and... something that is affecting my choice hugely is Chris, he's going to stay there for another year, and I'm not a fan of long distance, so part of me feels like I have to choose between him or my future, I know the right decision the smart decision, and I know that all my viable reasons for staying I only came up with and are only reasons because I want to stay, but that doesn't mean the decision is all black and white, because I know that if it weren't for that boy I would be going to medical school because that is what I said I wanted to do, so that means aI should go but then part of me felt trapped, do I really want to do that or did I just aim extremely high to prove to others that I am smart, because and I have two things to say here, the first being, staying for a boy would be dumb and that would make people think that I am dumb and secondly am I only saying that because I want to stay, not that I really want to stay that much, sometimes I wonder if I have just hit a bit if a depressing stage of my life because I feel uninspired to do much of anything, sometimes I feel happy and then I feel very very sad, to too much information everyone, that could be because its that time of the month and I feel that I need to weight and see if the depressing feelings go away but lets be honest in only causes you to have heightened emotions and irrational thought and emotions and they had to have come from somewhere to begin with, so there for they have to be things I am thinking about already, so maybeI am depressed, or maybe I'm tired and need to sleep. See this is the problem thinking about going to university is a problem because I over think everything, so thinking about university brings me down, if I leave it any longer though the decision gets made for me, and that is not something I want. Why is this such a hard decision. Why am I making this a worse decision then it needs to be, and sometimes, although I know I am horribly over thinking this I feel, like I am deliberalty trying to get myself to agree to stay and I don't think it is only because of Chris I also think it is because I am not ready to leave, but do you ever feel ready or do you just take a leap of faith and hope like hell you can catch yourself, because that is what I said I was wanting to with my life was live it on the edge, you know with a harness for safety, I don't want to be an idiot about this.
List time
REASONS FOR STAYING
1. I an save up some money
2. Chris
3. take some fun subject
4. Get my emotions in check
5. Feel secure in my own body, lose some weight, there fore getting some confidence in myself
6. get a job and there for experience
7. Work on myself,
8. Take some fun subjects
9. Flat and get some experience away from home
10. It i scary to leave, although that shouldnt stop me from doing it, if anything it should just make me want it more.
11. I would get to be more independent with out going too far from my family, like a safety net. If things went really wrong they would be right there to catch me. But again I feel like that should be a reason for going, complete independence, which I guess is something I don't feel that I am ready for.
hmmm... I am not sure if there are anymore.
12. I actually cant afford to go.
13. I think with the way my personal life is right now, things wouldn't go well next year, I think my personal life would get in the way
REASONS FOR GOING
1. Its university
2. Ill meet some really cool people
3. I can continue the journey of my story,
4. I am not putting my life on hold for someone else, which if I don't enjoy next ear I may resent them for
5. I can get experience
6. it is what everyone is expecting from me, so I won't be letting anyone down. (actually no one is expecting this, it is just what they believe I want and they are being supportive, because this is what I said I wanted time an time again its why I went back to school in the first place was to better myself and get n education so why does going to university seem so unappealing, is it because it is unknown, because that means I should do it to fight me feelings, So why does that give me the butterflies and not in the good way. Not that having butterflies in your stomach would ever be a good thing, which I guess explains the connotations associated with that metaphor doesn't it. although I do wonder, who came up with that?)
7. Do I even have anymore reasons... Is that it.
8. I would have a fresh start.
9. I would be away from my family, and that would upset them and they would want to Skype all the time and they would want me to come home for the holidays, admittedly I would want the same, so that should really be in the reasons for staying. But then would things really change after a year or is this part of the growing up thing that I would need to say no, I am not coming home for the holidays thereby making this a reason to go again.
The reasons for staying out weigh the reasons for leaving, but is that because thats what I want, this isn't giving me clarification about the right decision, and I don't know what will. I need to work out why I want to stay so bad, because if its because I'm scared then I need to go, and if its because of him, I have got to weigh up those pros and cons too, he isn't all that great, not worth giving up my life for. but what if I'm not giving up my life, what if I'm just choosing a different path in a long line of paths that will lead down two different roads, and although right now I don't know which path to take because could lead to sadness, how do people making these choices...
They say go for the one that you want more, but right now while I am eager to go to university and start learning medicine, I don't feel ready to go and do that, and I feel like I want to stay, or maybe the problem is I don't actually want to stay, I don't actually want to be here next year, I don't want to give up my life for the boy but I kind of want to take the easy route, but I do want to leave, so what is holding me back. What is keeping me from going?
To be perfectly honest, I am considering not going to college because I want to stay with a boy, mean while how do I know I won't be stuck here next year, how do I know I won't be forced to make the same decision again. I know I should pick college and every bone in my body bar one is saying do it, so why am I wanting that one bone to win?
Im left turning to the one place I feel is going to help, the internet where I look at the goo and the bad, in order to make an educated decision.
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